omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize