chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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