I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
