wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
