wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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