I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
