i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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