oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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