I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
that is very illegal...i love you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
