I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
