Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
