look no pants
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They took my balls.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
