I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
