apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
