You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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