We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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