Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
