I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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