I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
