So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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