Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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