So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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