The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Randomize
