glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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