You just made me feel so damn special
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
