when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need water and some morals
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
