I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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