May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
