maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I will be naked everywhere
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
