I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He has the fingertips of a God
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