3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
