we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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