meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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