Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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