Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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