It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
