I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
