Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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