Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
