You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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