the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
