My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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