hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize