mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
