I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
