Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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