So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
