So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
