the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
