I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
