You're earring is so big in my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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