We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize