Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
