she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
