I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
