I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
