there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
