New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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