Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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