chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
