By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
